The Intergalactic Helpdesk

"Broken?"

"Yeah, it's just not working right."

"Okay. Is it turned on?"

"Yes. I'm not stupid."

"Okay, sir, I just have to follow procedure. Please tell me what you see. Do you have a planetary system?"

"Yes, eight planets and some rocks around a type IV star."

"Okay, fine, and the physics is working okay?"

"Well, yes, on a macro scale."

"But...?"

"Well on a quantum scale it gets all weird."

"Yes? And?"

"What? That's normal?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Is that all sir?"

"No, wait. That's not my problem. It's the world that has life on it."

"Okay, can you give me the biosphere version number please."

"Yeah, it's 70N1604A."

"Ah, okay, and you have carbon based lifeforms?"

"Yes. It's a lovely planet. Well, was. The lifeforms have started trashing it. There's a runaway species overwhelming everything. I think it might be a virus or something."

"Okay, this is quite common. I have some suggestions for you."

"Oh, okay, great."

"Firstly you could introduce a less virulent but superior species from another of your planets."

"I haven't got life on any other planets."

"Okay, that's fine. You could engineer a biological disease to cull the population."

"Sounds tricky."

"I could talk you through it."

"I don't like the sound of that. Any other ideas?"

"You could crash a lump of rock into the planet, you should be able to keep some smaller species and some plants."

"Ermmm."

"Or you could try what we we call a hard reboot."

"What's that?"

"Tweak the star to go nova and create something new out of the debris."

"That sounds a bit drastic."

"Well, yes."

"What would you do?"

"To be honest, I'd do nothing."

"Nothing?"

"That's right, in my experience these virulent lifeforms will usually self destruct anyway. They'll either kill themselves or alter the biosphere to prevent their survival. The population explosion will soon be over and you'll be able to get back to some serious creation."

"Oh."

"However I should point out that the official helpdesk policy does not recommend leaving virulent species unattended. It was just my personal opinion."

"But you've seen that work? Right?"

"Usually, yes."

"But not one hundred percent?"

"No."

"Oh. Wow. This is a pain. I don't know. I thought it would be easy."

"Life is never easy sir."

"Ha. No. You know what? I'm not going to take the risk, I'm going for a hard reboot. Can you talk me through how to make my star go nova?"

"Certainly sir."